10 March 2006


              Monsoon

              At the end of storms,
              we set our paper
              boats free

              into broad deep
              drains swollen
              with rain,

              then raced along
              in slippers yelling
              wild adventure,

              riding the waves,
              dipping, diving,
              defying death

              sweeping ahead
              for miles and miles
              (we imagined)

              till currents crushed
              the boats shapeless
              like wild water,

              and the swirling
              tops of furious white
              pulled us down

              like a memory
              of distant
              childhood days.


posted by Gilbert at Friday, March 10, 2006

6 Comments:

Blogger Bluesky_Liz said...

I think the problem with this is that it is predictable.

>>into the monsoon
drains swollen
with rain,

monsoon drains being broken up like that gives hint that you may mean to say monsoon and drains, there is a flipping of images, where the brain of the reader tries to decide how to see this.

>>then raced along
in slippers yelling
wild adventure,

riding the waves,
dipping, diving,
defying death

Slight brokenness in the flow of imagery. Were the boys suddenly riding the waves?

I wonder: did the boys imagine themselves to be on that boat?

February 28, 2006  
Blogger Gilbert Koh said...

Yeah, that was my idea - that the boys imagine themselves to be on the boats -

... see next few stanzas "pulled us down" and "(we imagined)".

The poem is rather predictable, I agree.

February 28, 2006  
Blogger Bluesky_Liz said...

ah... I see where I've misread, I thought the "we imagine" only refers to the content in stanza it is in.

February 28, 2006  
Blogger dreamer idiot said...

I kinda like this poem actually... and felt some of the exhilaration of the boys racing their paper boats.

I don't really see anything 'weak' in this poem, maybe with the exception of the "memory of boyhood days" which seems too direct a phrase, thus accounting for its 'predicatability'.

February 28, 2006  
Blogger Gilbert Koh said...

Thank you both for your comments. After reading your comments, I think I will tweak the first two stanzas and the last stanza, and rename the poem "Monsoon". I will be working on this. Thanks again.

March 01, 2006  
Blogger Gilbert Koh said...

Revised version posted on 10 March. Thanks again, everyone. I feel happier with this version.

March 11, 2006  

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